The Anger We Don’t Know About

Web readers like lists, and they like “Top 10 famous people who are plain Janes in real life,” “10 actresses without makeup” or “Celebrity mugshots.” A bad photo of an actress showing cellulite on her thighs is more likely to become viral than an announcement that a cure for cancer has been discovered. That right there is the anger we don’t know about.

It’s hardly a new concept (Adam Sandler made a movie about it), but it’s not spoken about enough especially not within a community that considers niceness (i.e., being meek to a fault) to be a foremost virtue. Once I overheard a nasty comment, to which I may have said something like, “That’s too much.” The response was immediate, unblinking, and without a fraction of a moment’s hesitation, “We wouldn't say that if she were humble.”

So apparently, it’s justified. When we find ourselves overpowered or offended by the aggression of one person, it becomes okay to seek out friends and let all our anger out in a nasty joke even if that joke is far worse than what was actually said or done to us (which may have even been unintentional).  And because we remained nice, calm, and polite at the surface, we can congratulate ourselves for displaying patience. And you know what they say about patience, right? It’s a virtue.

If we multiply this incident with a million other moments in our lives when we felt offended by someone bossy or arrogant, or by someone who has a different opinion and we choose the route of the meek, what we get is an angry set of people who have no other outlet for a lifetime of accumulated resentment except nasty jokes, whining (I do that), and an obsession for bad news. I've always believed that bullies became bullies because they were once bullied and they’re not over that yet. If we keep the appearance of niceness at the surface, we escape the negative bully label. Good. But scratch the surface, honey, and it’s the same.

This is not to say that being bitchy for as long as we can get away with it is okay. After all, what is harmony but one person extending utmost understanding to another? I personally  can’t tolerate extended periods of bitchiness especially if I don’t understand where it’s coming from or if I happen to believe that I don’t deserve it, and I just really want to have a great day ahead of me.  But going behind someone’s back is just so unwise and harmful for everybody. It doesn't clear the air and perpetuates a cycle of resentment and aggression. The most dangerous thing about that response is continuing to reassure oneself of being a nice person.

I am lucky to have known people who know exactly how to stand up for themselves, and go after what they want. They are the kindest people I know. I’m not even a part of that list. I have to vent out my anger some way some how and I have chosen to handle my fights outside of the ring instead of saying my thoughts out loud to the person I really wanted to confront. Maybe because I am resigned to the fact that we cannot change a non-confrontational community overnight. Maybe I worry too that we can’t take back some of the words that we say.

But it is very dangerous for us to overestimate our capacity for crap. Taking it in without dignified protest takes it toll and converts us into crap givers too, the sneakier, less confrontational, flakier kind.

Once, I was in a vehicle where the passengers talked about a guy who wore sunglasses even at night. Obviously he had some disability. I don’t want to repeat the jokes because they’re not worth repeating. They’re not worth saying out loud. They’re not worth thinking. But six nice people found it hilarious.

The anger we harbor for all the ill treatment we choose to put up with will make us unhappy, nobody else. The moment the mug shots, plain Janes, cellulite, and disability of others make us feel good about ourselves, it’s probably time to take a hard look at the things that have made us so mad at our own lives and channel our repressed energies to destroying those shackled demons. 

Well, that is if, tough people of the world, we can muster the courage.