Forgiveness

I was going over Ayn Rand quotes because friends of mine on two separate occasions (and they don’t even know each other) said I needed a good dose of her writing and general life philosophy.  Something like this one:

“Man's unique reward, however, is that while animals survive by adjusting themselves to their background, man survives by adjusting his background to himself. “ -Ayn Rand

That’s a loving way of saying “toughen up.” When I was done with that, I moved on to quotes by topics.  Strangely enough, it was forgiveness that caught my eye.

“Forgiveness is not a feeling - it's a decision we make because we want to do what's right before God. “- Joyce Meyer

“Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” - Joan Lunden

I never really understood why we should make an effort to forgive people.  I find equally perplexing the claim that it will make me feel any better.  I will stand by that even if that means all those that I have wronged will never ever forgive me.  That’s the price I pay for having wronged them in the first place. It’s a painful price but it’s part of taking responsibility.

And it’s not true that forgiveness is hard. It has always been easy for everybody.  For those I love and trust, an apology or an elaborate "making up" gesture isn't even necessary. Just a little bit of time going by is enough for everything to be forgotten. The most valuable people in my life treat me the same way.

People are wired to build relationships rather than break them down, and this need to belong to a community, a circle of friends, or a pair is the breeding ground for our worst and best qualities like flakiness, pretensions, and dishonesty, but also friendship, loyalty, and forgiveness. Many forms of hate stem from rejection, and love is really nothing more than being embraced. Not being able to process and eventually understand these feelings lead to divisiveness, but in our hearts of hearts, we’ve always wanted be with each other and in harmony.

So all this talk about forgiveness being hard as though it requires effort to give to another person is inaccurate.  People forgive people in a heartbeat.  It’s trust that’s hard because when something has been done to us, we worry that it will happen again. And this is a valid fear. 

First, distrust is formed not by one incident but a SERIES of them.  Second, it is uncommon for people to work on what makes them do the bad things that they do. If, in the first place, they consider it bad. Many times, people just want the convenience of peace or at least the appearance of it because being disliked is unbearable or embarrassing. As beautiful as life is it comes with two hard truths: It is rare to come across a genuine apology, and some people need to hurt somebody else to resolve whatever it is that they're going through.

Contrary to what these quotes suggest, the truth is everyone knows that everyone else forgives and forgets easily so “mistakes” are easier to make. There are people in my life whom I decidedly don’t forgive even though I probably already have (if that makes any sense). They say such an attitude will add to your burden, but on the contrary, it is in being unforgiving that I've found peace.

Understandably, those who were counting on me being over it by now aren't feeling too hot. But that's not my problem.

The Anger We Don’t Know About

Web readers like lists, and they like “Top 10 famous people who are plain Janes in real life,” “10 actresses without makeup” or “Celebrity mugshots.” A bad photo of an actress showing cellulite on her thighs is more likely to become viral than an announcement that a cure for cancer has been discovered. That right there is the anger we don’t know about.

It’s hardly a new concept (Adam Sandler made a movie about it), but it’s not spoken about enough especially not within a community that considers niceness (i.e., being meek to a fault) to be a foremost virtue. Once I overheard a nasty comment, to which I may have said something like, “That’s too much.” The response was immediate, unblinking, and without a fraction of a moment’s hesitation, “We wouldn't say that if she were humble.”

So apparently, it’s justified. When we find ourselves overpowered or offended by the aggression of one person, it becomes okay to seek out friends and let all our anger out in a nasty joke even if that joke is far worse than what was actually said or done to us (which may have even been unintentional).  And because we remained nice, calm, and polite at the surface, we can congratulate ourselves for displaying patience. And you know what they say about patience, right? It’s a virtue.

If we multiply this incident with a million other moments in our lives when we felt offended by someone bossy or arrogant, or by someone who has a different opinion and we choose the route of the meek, what we get is an angry set of people who have no other outlet for a lifetime of accumulated resentment except nasty jokes, whining (I do that), and an obsession for bad news. I've always believed that bullies became bullies because they were once bullied and they’re not over that yet. If we keep the appearance of niceness at the surface, we escape the negative bully label. Good. But scratch the surface, honey, and it’s the same.

This is not to say that being bitchy for as long as we can get away with it is okay. After all, what is harmony but one person extending utmost understanding to another? I personally  can’t tolerate extended periods of bitchiness especially if I don’t understand where it’s coming from or if I happen to believe that I don’t deserve it, and I just really want to have a great day ahead of me.  But going behind someone’s back is just so unwise and harmful for everybody. It doesn't clear the air and perpetuates a cycle of resentment and aggression. The most dangerous thing about that response is continuing to reassure oneself of being a nice person.

I am lucky to have known people who know exactly how to stand up for themselves, and go after what they want. They are the kindest people I know. I’m not even a part of that list. I have to vent out my anger some way some how and I have chosen to handle my fights outside of the ring instead of saying my thoughts out loud to the person I really wanted to confront. Maybe because I am resigned to the fact that we cannot change a non-confrontational community overnight. Maybe I worry too that we can’t take back some of the words that we say.

But it is very dangerous for us to overestimate our capacity for crap. Taking it in without dignified protest takes it toll and converts us into crap givers too, the sneakier, less confrontational, flakier kind.

Once, I was in a vehicle where the passengers talked about a guy who wore sunglasses even at night. Obviously he had some disability. I don’t want to repeat the jokes because they’re not worth repeating. They’re not worth saying out loud. They’re not worth thinking. But six nice people found it hilarious.

The anger we harbor for all the ill treatment we choose to put up with will make us unhappy, nobody else. The moment the mug shots, plain Janes, cellulite, and disability of others make us feel good about ourselves, it’s probably time to take a hard look at the things that have made us so mad at our own lives and channel our repressed energies to destroying those shackled demons. 

Well, that is if, tough people of the world, we can muster the courage.

Scattered Thoughts on Change, Positive Attitudes, and Fonts

These days I feel angry and frustrated and confused and disappointed but also giddy and happy and fulfilled and content. All at the same time. It’s a little exciting.

One of my writing jobs has a new scoring system which is doing wonders at keeping me on my toes. I love scores. I know you’re not supposed to say that, or admit that an 80% score on Videoke night secretly bothers you because that's obnoxious, but there it is. So judge me. When my boss and her team of editors established the scoring system, all of a sudden my writing was powered with new energy. 

The scoring is part of training in an effort to improve overall work quality. There is one female editor in particular who provides really detailed feedback. Her criticism can be a little harsh, but she takes the time to explain how we can make the material better. Most people won’t bother so it’s really nice of her to do that.

My other job, as a customer relations person, is not as smooth sailing, but that’s okay. Rewards in this front don’t come easy but when they do, what is achieved means more to more people so the rewards are worth the pains. I love it even though the process and the politics drive me mad on a daily basis. That it sucks most of the time is a reminder of how much it really means to me to accomplish what I set out to accomplish. The goals may not seem like much to a lot of people, but to me they have the power to transform a bad year into a good one. And that is enough.

A current of change passes through all areas of my life.  It turns out that the somewhat objective and neutral tone I use for commissioned work no longer works. One of the editors called it "sleep-inducing." So now, I write with a bit of sarcasm, and that works better apparently. A lot of the rules are changing. Lengthy introductions are off. Now you have to "get to it" in the first sentence. Obscure prose is unwelcome. Easy read is good read. 

Speaking of change, I’ve broken up with Calibri, and I’m trying to use new fonts now. I’ve been using Calibri since I discovered it, and I've never really tried anything else since then. Call it love and loyalty. But one night, I felt drained, unmotivated, and unhappy. I thought a new font might shake things up a bit. For a while, it was Cambria, but now I’m starting to like Tahoma better. Fonts are like boys. Nothing wise or witty follows. Just that: Fonts are like boys.

Back to customer service, where I suspect the pains never end. If a magic wand was waved over the world and suddenly complaints cease to exist, everyone is happy and satisfied, colorful butterflies are in the air, I would have no work. I’d be staring at the clock from 8 am to 6 pm (which I have in fact done on numerous occasions), and it’s never good to give me that much idle time. I'll start spamming on Facebook...more.

Upon the suggestion of one manager, we organized a leadership training for workers in the power industry, generation and distribution both. It was designed to give managers and supervisors a more positive attitude towards challenging work by changing unhealthy belief systems. These are hard times for us too.  We need to boost our confidence and strength to cope with the demands of an increasingly dissatisfied public. 

The seminar, which was retreat-like,  was educational and (based on feedback) transformational for many participants.  I was happy to see that people felt good and seemed ready for a good challenge after the two-day thing. We will do it again and hope for fantastic results.

I just have to get this out though: the notion of being constantly positive is dangerous and unhealthy. While I agree with many of the points raised (e.g., respect other people’s point of view, disagree in a nice way, affirm yourself and others, own your choices), I have to insist that negative feelings have value, and they have served us well all through out the history of mankind. Feeling anger, doubt, fear and disappointment is normal, healthy, and useful. It is inaccurate to say that only positive feelings bring forth positive change. The blacks were angry prior to the abolishment of slavery. Fear makes the most vulnerable among us cautious, and disappointment checks complacency. I'm quite certain that the inventors of the airplane, the light bulb, penicillin, and the first engine frowned more than smiled.

If we never have to struggle in our lives, feel bad about things not going well, and be angry at things that are wrong or oppressive,  we’d be living an awfully weird life. If a person smiles all the time, I usually think that he or she is high. Or fake. You decide which is worse. It’s one thing to allow yourself to feel bad, and quite another to consider your life useless and unimportant just because it’s not perfect. Cry, yes. Kill yourself, no.

The road to love or happiness is not without bumps. And there is no such thing as perfect. I have a pillow which I have kept for 32 years, and she smells the way I would smell if I gave up on personal hygiene for about 5 years, but I love her more that the world's cutest most huggable toy, which has been recently washed.

During the seminar, I was only supposed to be assisting, but there was this exercise which they forced me to participate in.  We were supposed to close our eyes and imagine a perfect version of ourselves. Then we were to sculpt the image with our hands. After that perfect image was sculpted, we were to imagine that everything we disliked about ourselves was a jacket, which we would symbolically take off. Throw it violently into the air, they said. After the instructions, soothing music played, and I started to sculpt new ankles because mine are thick and unladylike. With their sheer weight, my legs can suffocate and eventually end the life of an entrapped human being. But I stopped half way through the exercise. 

Julia Robert’s mouth is too big. Penelope Cruz’ eyes are too close together. Beyonce has big killer legs too! Jennifer Lopez is big boned, and her neck is too short to be feminine. Cameron Diaz is not pretty. Drew Barrymore is fat. Natalie Portman’s head is too big for her body. She’s short and flat chested too. And there is certainly a lot of things wrong with me, and I punish myself for them on a daily basis, but if I can’t appreciate myself in this state, I’ll never be able to appreciate myself in any state. 

It is very hard to accept your own flaws, and consider them as part of who you are. To ask people to imagine them gone as a prerequisite to making them feel good about themselves is a little delusional and a step in the opposite direction. I don’t get it. 

Of course I’m not saying that you shouldn't jog, or change your hair color (if you want to), or eat right. But you don’t need to be perfect to love yourself and believe that you deserve good things too. So I stopped at the ankles even though I have a long way to go and a whole lot to “take off.” If the trainer was going to call my attention, I was determined to tell her, “This is enough.” And I am equally determined to work towards believing it even though I am far from succeeding as of now.

Anyway, that's work and life. Difficult, dynamic, and good all at the same time. Some big things are happening, but it is in the small things that I find tidbits of joy. Like growing to like something new. For a long time, I didn't think I still had it in me. To like new things. Even if that only happens to be a new font.  Which are like boys.