Forgiveness

I was going over Ayn Rand quotes because friends of mine on two separate occasions (and they don’t even know each other) said I needed a good dose of her writing and general life philosophy.  Something like this one:

“Man's unique reward, however, is that while animals survive by adjusting themselves to their background, man survives by adjusting his background to himself. “ -Ayn Rand

That’s a loving way of saying “toughen up.” When I was done with that, I moved on to quotes by topics.  Strangely enough, it was forgiveness that caught my eye.

“Forgiveness is not a feeling - it's a decision we make because we want to do what's right before God. “- Joyce Meyer

“Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” - Joan Lunden

I never really understood why we should make an effort to forgive people.  I find equally perplexing the claim that it will make me feel any better.  I will stand by that even if that means all those that I have wronged will never ever forgive me.  That’s the price I pay for having wronged them in the first place. It’s a painful price but it’s part of taking responsibility.

And it’s not true that forgiveness is hard. It has always been easy for everybody.  For those I love and trust, an apology or an elaborate "making up" gesture isn't even necessary. Just a little bit of time going by is enough for everything to be forgotten. The most valuable people in my life treat me the same way.

People are wired to build relationships rather than break them down, and this need to belong to a community, a circle of friends, or a pair is the breeding ground for our worst and best qualities like flakiness, pretensions, and dishonesty, but also friendship, loyalty, and forgiveness. Many forms of hate stem from rejection, and love is really nothing more than being embraced. Not being able to process and eventually understand these feelings lead to divisiveness, but in our hearts of hearts, we’ve always wanted be with each other and in harmony.

So all this talk about forgiveness being hard as though it requires effort to give to another person is inaccurate.  People forgive people in a heartbeat.  It’s trust that’s hard because when something has been done to us, we worry that it will happen again. And this is a valid fear. 

First, distrust is formed not by one incident but a SERIES of them.  Second, it is uncommon for people to work on what makes them do the bad things that they do. If, in the first place, they consider it bad. Many times, people just want the convenience of peace or at least the appearance of it because being disliked is unbearable or embarrassing. As beautiful as life is it comes with two hard truths: It is rare to come across a genuine apology, and some people need to hurt somebody else to resolve whatever it is that they're going through.

Contrary to what these quotes suggest, the truth is everyone knows that everyone else forgives and forgets easily so “mistakes” are easier to make. There are people in my life whom I decidedly don’t forgive even though I probably already have (if that makes any sense). They say such an attitude will add to your burden, but on the contrary, it is in being unforgiving that I've found peace.

Understandably, those who were counting on me being over it by now aren't feeling too hot. But that's not my problem.