Sleep to dream

It’s three in the morning. I am about to give up on the idea of sleep. I’ve been trying for the past few hours now to no avail. Before I decided to get up and write just whatever nonsense comes to mind, I felt the earth under my bed sort of shifting almost as if there was an earthquake. But I’m pretty sure the ground wasn't shaking. Must be stress. Tomorrow happens to be a Monday.

This is entirely my fault. I seriously lack foresight. I’ve been in bed for most of the day reading and I would drift off to sleep in between chapters. And dream the oddest dreams too.

I once had a friend who said he never dreamt or maybe he couldn’t remember them after he woke. I thought that was seriously strange because I dream the most vivid of scenes so often that trying to understand them has in fact become an integral part of my decision making process.

I think my dreams are messages from a) my subconscious b) my father and c) the universe. I can see my greatest fears and deepest wishes in full color after I close my eyes. Sometimes, I think I can even see things that I know but didn’t think I knew, which is seriously very freaky.

When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of being left alone when I sleep but my mother did that to me all the time.  She would trick me into believing that she’d gone to bed too. So one time, she did exactly that but later sneaked over to the neighbor’s house to play majong. I dreamt that I was trapped in a really large web, where I couldn't move and I was looking for her but she wasn’t anywhere to be found. My yaya heard me calling for her in my sleep and came to my rescue.

My cousin is even freakier because she could almost see the future in her dreams. She used to warn me about leaving the window open before we slept but I did that all the time without her knowing it. In her sleep, she would see a lady standing by the window. One night, I stayed up a little later than she did and noticed a man move in the shadows. Our room was at the second floor of a series of houses. Apparently, one of our pervert neighbors would climb up to the roof to watch us at night. For a while, we agreed not to travel because she’d constantly dream about a boat and would be overcome by a feeling of sadness. Years later, she married someone who works in a ship and let’s just say that that didn't exactly turn out to be a fairy tale.

A few years ago, this same cousin called me (we live far from each other now) to inform me that I am about to date someone, who would treat me like a princess. And it turns out she was right at least in the sense that he didn’t let me pay on dates. Given that I am me, I can’t really be picky. That’s princess enough.

There was a time too when she called to ask if I was pregnant because she dreamt that my father (who had already passed) was holding a baby in his arms, his grandchild it seemed. He looked really happy. I wasn’t pregnant but because we both truly believe in this dreams-mean-something philosophy, we tried to figure it out. My cousin had had a miscarriage so perhaps, that wasn't my baby and it was something she really needed to see.

My mother complains with a bit of jealousy that she never dreams about my father because once in a while, I do. Sometimes, they don’t make sense but sometimes, they are so clear. Some time last year, I had trouble making ends meet. I dreamt that I was hearing mass and the priest suddenly decided to charge everyone for the food the church served, which I voraciously consumed because I was hungry. But I didn’t have any money and was beginning to feel embarrassed about not being able to pay the fee. Suddenly, my father appeared at the corner of the church smiling. So I ran to him and I said with so much desperation, “Please give me money.” And he extracted a wad of cash from his pocket. When my mother and I fight, sometimes I dream about him just standing there, not smiling.

Dreaming is my grand moment of realization and utter surrender. I broke up with the first boy I ever dated because I dreamt that I was at one of them college house parties and there were two of them there. One was bad, wearing a black shirt and one was good, of course wearing a white shirt. I stopped seeing him a few days after that and since we remain friends, the question of what happened to us has popped up in one or two light and funny conversations. He would whack me with a stick now if he found out what led to my decision.

When people get cheated on in a small way or in a big way, there is always a period of denial. For both parties. But my dreams would never let me get away with such a dangerous thing as denial. I’ve stayed years in questionable setups too because of dreams.

Once, this boy I was dating said he dreamt that when came down the stairs from his room, he found me sitting at the living room of their house, watching TV with everyone else. “What happened next?” I asked him. Nothing special happened, he said. We just left because apparently we had some place to go. He said it was odd that he didn't find it at all odd that I was there.

Another boy also mentioned that he dreamt about me (yes, I am a bit of a slut). This time, I was pregnant but he wasn't sure if it was his child. He was really mad at me. I had to ask him of course why he would ever think that it wasn't his child. He said that in his dream, we hit a rough patch and we had stopped seeing each other for a while. But then he said there was suddenly an earthquake, tremendous perhaps, and he found himself frantically looking for me or something like that. I can’t remember exactly. There are suggestions in this dream though which are rather interesting to note.

There was a time when I dreamt about babies a lot but not recently, not anymore. I dream about being in some kind of post grad class usually in a kind of panic. I dream that I am getting ready to leave, usually changing, but never quite finish and always running late. I dream too that someone is running after me trying to catch me or kill me. They always catch me at the end of the chase but they never actually kill me.

Sometimes, I dream of ghosts, just scary spirits who want to harass people. I usually dream of ghosts when in my sleep I can’t actually move. I can hear them – sometimes one, sometimes many – just frolicking about in the room. I’ve gotten quite accustomed to this over the years that I often dismiss it as just another bad dream which it most probably is. One of them nights though, I heard a lady whisper in my ears just seconds before I woke, “I know you can hear me.” I packed all my toys and slept at my mother’s room.

I had one such dream not too long ago too.  There were so many ghosts in my room, and I couldn't move at all. A lady was pressing her hand down my forehead. What a nightmare. For the record though, I do not believe in ghosts. And I don’t think these nightmares mean anything. There’s just no getting rid of senseless awfulness in dreams and anywhere else.

These past few days, I dreamt about my father once. Nothing eventful.  We were on board a jeepney on the way to some place to meet my mother. He is issuing a reminder to my mom and me because knowing us both, we might forget his death anniversary this April. I dreamt too that I was singing in a kind of open mike place and one of the boys I used to see came by to say hello because he was there too with some friends. I asked him when he was getting married and he replied with a kind of sheepish smile that the date has been set on the 16^th of February (of the following year I suppose) so I wished him the best of luck. And then I dreamt that I had two furry dogs, which ate dogs. That seriously freaked me out but everyone was very nonchalant about it as though it was the world’s most normal thing. I kept asking whether they fought in the process and people said no. The “food dogs” just allow themselves to be meal because they were born to be “food dogs.” I was perplexed as hell. What a waste of a life if you were destined to be just a “food dog” even in a dog eat dog world. And I dreamt that another boy I used to see was in my house where there seemed to be an event of some sort. I couldn't see his face. I never really bumped into him in the midst of the crowd but I could hear his voice talking to some people and a particular girl I think. In my dream, I didn't find that at all odd.

There are a couple of people whom I think I might like. A little bit. A fraction of a little bit. But I haven’t dreamt about them yet so I really don’t know exactly how I feel about these possibilities. Fractions of possibilities.

If I had been able to sleep, I wonder what I would have dreamt about. I’m pretty sure it would have been something profound though.