Bullying

So a 14-year old boy in Batangas locks himself inside his room one ordinary Monday afternoon and shoots himself in the head with a .45 caliber pistol.  The investigation which ensued after they found his body sprawled dead in his room revealed that the teenager was being bullied at school. I found this story on the front page of a newspaper today, not on my Facebook, which might mean it hasn't yet caused a stir.

This incident follows a recent suicide by a UP student who downed silver cleaner to end her own life. That first suicide generated such strong reactions that it caught the attention of lawmakers who are now promising 100 million pesos in assistance to struggling university students. (Reactive, as usual, but I suppose it will have to do).

A couple of days ago, I attended a brief program at a public elementary school, in which one of the speakers mentioned that the school had an anti-bullying program, proof that the international call to stop bullying in schools has reached even the far flung areas of the Philippines.

It troubles me a little bit though that the suicide of this 14-year-old boy from Batangas doesn’t quite generate the same level of reaction as the first incident.

Even with the Anti-Bullying Act of 2012, the call for greater empathy among people doesn't seem loud enough to make a ripple of change. Or perhaps not bold enough. Not systematic enough? I don’t know. I just know it’s not enough. It will never be enough until we all admit to ourselves that we are capable of being a bully, unimaginable as that may seem to the self-righteous parts of ourselves.

For one thing, we think it’s funny. And we think it’s fun. We only really stop until we sense that some damage has been inflicted (i.e, target starts to cry) and our guilt starts to kick in. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. Unless we fully realize what we are doing though, we are likely to do it again.

Bullying is characterized by repeated attempts to diminish another person either through physical intimidation or through ridiculing, mockery or another extremely entertaining variation of that.  The damage it causes can be irrevocable. Worse, it is very often subconsciously done, which is probably the reason it is so prevalent.

This is how it works, I think. People in general tend to believe that they are how others treat them. If you get laughed at all the time, you start think that you are an odd ball and you deserve the treatment you are getting. If people push you around as though you are weak, you start to think that you are in fact made of lesser stuff.  So if kids gang up on one and call him something derogatory like stupid, he will grow up believing this to be true. And because he believes it to be true, it will be true. We must never underestimate the power of a thousand voices (even just one) repeatedly speaking the same nasty message.

Bullying eats away a person’s self-esteem, dignity and happiness.  Those who do not experience this are either padded by layers of denial and defenses (they become bullies themselves) or are truly self-confident and strong. The latter group is very tiny in number.  I've lived long enough and interestingly enough to form the conclusion that very few people possess an unyielding inner sunshine.

I am a bit of a bully myself sometimes just because I can be.  There is one specific incident that I can’t get out of my head until now. Way back in college, I was with some friends, one of whom was excitedly talking about something. I said just out of nowhere, “Ganyan ba talaga kaingay yan.” It was totally uncalled for and I don’t even know why I did that. I suppose it made me feel cool.

I have also been bullied just like everyone else. A part of me honestly thinks I have it coming because I am easily the oddest person within a hundred meters or more. A friend of mine warns me that I tend to be complicit to bullying by allowing it to be done to me, which is true and admittedly wrong. It is difficult but ideally, we should have significant control over our reactions to mockery, insults and so on.  But I have been down this road enough to know that when you hit someone because they hit you first, you’re still going to find your ass sitting in the principal’s office enduring a long lecture on moral values and right conduct. You will later be asked to squat in front of the school grotto with a statue of a very meek-looking Mother Mary who is by the way squishing an evil serpent with her bare foot. Knees bent and arms raised, you will be made to squat that way until your limbs shake. All the while, you contemplate the meaning of the image before you. Your thoughts jump from: “What lesson is Sister trying to impart this time?” “Was I bad?” “But the SOB hit me first?!” “Religion will be my lowest subject again.” If you get into fights a lot, this kind of thing will happen to you over and over and over and over again especially if the other party decides to cry.  Our culture systematically encourages us to be meek even in the face of hostility.

Bullying in its more subtle refined forms is prevalent even in many work places so this is not a case of kids not knowing any better. The bigger the group, the more confident they seem to be that they can get away with name calling, rumor spreading, back biting, ridiculing and all those clever peer-diminishing  tactics that allow the whole gang to feel cooler, more powerful and more superior.

The 14-year old boy who shot himself was called many things including slow, stinky and gay -- all in all dictionary definition of a loser. He was constantly rejected by the girls he liked and they laughed at him when that happened. They mocked him too when he failed school. Allegedly, the boy told his teachers but they stood by and watched it happen probably because it was just a bunch of kids being funny and it didn't exactly rise to the level of a fist fight. 

When that UP student died, I asked my friend what her stand on the whole thing was. She said, “Sayang ang buhay niya.” When he pulled the trigger, this 14-year old boy probably didn't think there was anything in him at all that was “sayang.”