Scattered Thoughts on Change, Positive Attitudes, and Fonts

These days I feel angry and frustrated and confused and disappointed but also giddy and happy and fulfilled and content. All at the same time. It’s a little exciting.

One of my writing jobs has a new scoring system which is doing wonders at keeping me on my toes. I love scores. I know you’re not supposed to say that, or admit that an 80% score on Videoke night secretly bothers you because that's obnoxious, but there it is. So judge me. When my boss and her team of editors established the scoring system, all of a sudden my writing was powered with new energy. 

The scoring is part of training in an effort to improve overall work quality. There is one female editor in particular who provides really detailed feedback. Her criticism can be a little harsh, but she takes the time to explain how we can make the material better. Most people won’t bother so it’s really nice of her to do that.

My other job, as a customer relations person, is not as smooth sailing, but that’s okay. Rewards in this front don’t come easy but when they do, what is achieved means more to more people so the rewards are worth the pains. I love it even though the process and the politics drive me mad on a daily basis. That it sucks most of the time is a reminder of how much it really means to me to accomplish what I set out to accomplish. The goals may not seem like much to a lot of people, but to me they have the power to transform a bad year into a good one. And that is enough.

A current of change passes through all areas of my life.  It turns out that the somewhat objective and neutral tone I use for commissioned work no longer works. One of the editors called it "sleep-inducing." So now, I write with a bit of sarcasm, and that works better apparently. A lot of the rules are changing. Lengthy introductions are off. Now you have to "get to it" in the first sentence. Obscure prose is unwelcome. Easy read is good read. 

Speaking of change, I’ve broken up with Calibri, and I’m trying to use new fonts now. I’ve been using Calibri since I discovered it, and I've never really tried anything else since then. Call it love and loyalty. But one night, I felt drained, unmotivated, and unhappy. I thought a new font might shake things up a bit. For a while, it was Cambria, but now I’m starting to like Tahoma better. Fonts are like boys. Nothing wise or witty follows. Just that: Fonts are like boys.

Back to customer service, where I suspect the pains never end. If a magic wand was waved over the world and suddenly complaints cease to exist, everyone is happy and satisfied, colorful butterflies are in the air, I would have no work. I’d be staring at the clock from 8 am to 6 pm (which I have in fact done on numerous occasions), and it’s never good to give me that much idle time. I'll start spamming on Facebook...more.

Upon the suggestion of one manager, we organized a leadership training for workers in the power industry, generation and distribution both. It was designed to give managers and supervisors a more positive attitude towards challenging work by changing unhealthy belief systems. These are hard times for us too.  We need to boost our confidence and strength to cope with the demands of an increasingly dissatisfied public. 

The seminar, which was retreat-like,  was educational and (based on feedback) transformational for many participants.  I was happy to see that people felt good and seemed ready for a good challenge after the two-day thing. We will do it again and hope for fantastic results.

I just have to get this out though: the notion of being constantly positive is dangerous and unhealthy. While I agree with many of the points raised (e.g., respect other people’s point of view, disagree in a nice way, affirm yourself and others, own your choices), I have to insist that negative feelings have value, and they have served us well all through out the history of mankind. Feeling anger, doubt, fear and disappointment is normal, healthy, and useful. It is inaccurate to say that only positive feelings bring forth positive change. The blacks were angry prior to the abolishment of slavery. Fear makes the most vulnerable among us cautious, and disappointment checks complacency. I'm quite certain that the inventors of the airplane, the light bulb, penicillin, and the first engine frowned more than smiled.

If we never have to struggle in our lives, feel bad about things not going well, and be angry at things that are wrong or oppressive,  we’d be living an awfully weird life. If a person smiles all the time, I usually think that he or she is high. Or fake. You decide which is worse. It’s one thing to allow yourself to feel bad, and quite another to consider your life useless and unimportant just because it’s not perfect. Cry, yes. Kill yourself, no.

The road to love or happiness is not without bumps. And there is no such thing as perfect. I have a pillow which I have kept for 32 years, and she smells the way I would smell if I gave up on personal hygiene for about 5 years, but I love her more that the world's cutest most huggable toy, which has been recently washed.

During the seminar, I was only supposed to be assisting, but there was this exercise which they forced me to participate in.  We were supposed to close our eyes and imagine a perfect version of ourselves. Then we were to sculpt the image with our hands. After that perfect image was sculpted, we were to imagine that everything we disliked about ourselves was a jacket, which we would symbolically take off. Throw it violently into the air, they said. After the instructions, soothing music played, and I started to sculpt new ankles because mine are thick and unladylike. With their sheer weight, my legs can suffocate and eventually end the life of an entrapped human being. But I stopped half way through the exercise. 

Julia Robert’s mouth is too big. Penelope Cruz’ eyes are too close together. Beyonce has big killer legs too! Jennifer Lopez is big boned, and her neck is too short to be feminine. Cameron Diaz is not pretty. Drew Barrymore is fat. Natalie Portman’s head is too big for her body. She’s short and flat chested too. And there is certainly a lot of things wrong with me, and I punish myself for them on a daily basis, but if I can’t appreciate myself in this state, I’ll never be able to appreciate myself in any state. 

It is very hard to accept your own flaws, and consider them as part of who you are. To ask people to imagine them gone as a prerequisite to making them feel good about themselves is a little delusional and a step in the opposite direction. I don’t get it. 

Of course I’m not saying that you shouldn't jog, or change your hair color (if you want to), or eat right. But you don’t need to be perfect to love yourself and believe that you deserve good things too. So I stopped at the ankles even though I have a long way to go and a whole lot to “take off.” If the trainer was going to call my attention, I was determined to tell her, “This is enough.” And I am equally determined to work towards believing it even though I am far from succeeding as of now.

Anyway, that's work and life. Difficult, dynamic, and good all at the same time. Some big things are happening, but it is in the small things that I find tidbits of joy. Like growing to like something new. For a long time, I didn't think I still had it in me. To like new things. Even if that only happens to be a new font.  Which are like boys.