Knowing It All

Once in a while, I make a big joke and such fuss about me knowing everything. I say that a lot in tone which rings of self-amazement.  Superman: Super Strength. Charmaine: Super Sure.

The most annoying thing about my as-usual-I-am-right spiel is that I’m not really kidding so those with the great misfortune of being within earshot are rolling their eyes thinking, “Somebody shut her up.” Sometimes I do because I know everyone hates an insufferable know-it-all. Sometimes though I’m too in love with myself to even notice dagger looks thrown my way. (If you’ve ever played a round of Cluedo, I’m sure you‘ve experienced that incredible high when you’ve successfully figured out where Dr. Black was murdered, who did it and how. It’s all very Sherlock Holmes. Anyway, what was my point? I forget.)

Ah yes. I was going to provide an explanation why I think I know everything, and that is: I just do. It’s really freaky. I am however exaggerating when I say I was born with this…err…gift. No. I was born temperamental but good natured (if that is at all possible), kind of “lost” with my heart out on my sleeve. My yaya would tell me stories about large black dogs turning into people who ate other people and that would send shivers up my spine.  She'd explain to me that if she touched my eyes I’d be able to see them too. I would debate long hours with myself whether or not I would like that.

But life happens and somewhere along the way, you pick up a thing or two because you won’t survive life lost in your own universe regardless of how much fun that is. So you watch, you listen, you compare, you read into everything, you go back to the archives, you think, you put together a theory and you test your theory. And you do it all the time because right around the corner is another human being poised to screw you out of everything you have.

Most important of all, you make a genuine attempt to avoid the pitfalls of ineffective, inaccurate and potentially confusing life research techniques.  Nothing will muddle your findings more than false, simplistic, biased and inaccurate data. 

I’m going to start you off with a couple of dos and don’ts because I’m nice like that:

• Never believe what people post on Facebook or Twitter.  As a general rule, don’t believe anything that people take at least five minutes to put together.
• Never believe what people say about themselves. People are more likely to launch a lengthy nonsensical explanation or concoct an interesting highly unlikely story before you could get them to say, "I was wrong," "I made a mistake," "I suck," "I got dumped," and so on.
• Never believe what people believe about themselves. Everyone is the star of her own Hollywood movie. Self-awareness is rarer than amnesia caused by a car accident or a blow to the head.
• Never believe what people say about other people. They’re likely to be bored or bummed by their own lives. Otherwise, they wouldn’t bother with yours or anyone else’s.
• Never believe what people believe about other people. To be able to correctly judge the lives of others requires a certain level of I.Q. but everyone thinks they’re qualified.
• Never believe quotations, proverbs or stuff like that. They’re oversimplified at best, full of shit in general. For example, “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” Dude, cry if you want to.  Period. Just don't do it forever because even the most heart-warming tear-jerking scene in an Oscar-nominated movie gets old.  “Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.” No, geniuses have an I.Q. of 140 and above and they’re born that way. If you’re not a genius now, you will never be. In any case, it’s not that big a deal.
• Never believe that the experience of others applies to you. The most fascinating in the universe are anything but uniform.
• Never trust your eyes.  People are themselves when all alone.
• Never trust tears. Trust only genuine laughter. That my dear is your one true thing.

• Here comes the big however: Trust a good majority of people you meet even when they’re trying to screw you.  They were all born good-natured with their hearts out on their sleeves until their own lives took their own unique twists and turns.  Evilness is genetic only in soaps.
• Trust the dreams which force their way to your head even when you’re supposed to be resting and not thinking.  They are persistent for a reason.
• Trust the beating of your heart, the calm of your soul and the rhythm of your feet. They are fail-proof joy and sorrow indicators.  Learn to feel that in people because genuinely happy people with rich lives won't screw you on purpose.
• Trust what you know.  If Columbus weren't brave, we'd still be thinking we'd fall off the Earth if we traveled very far.