Just because I want to be grateful

Early in 2017 sometime around midnight, I was stroking the back of my puppy while she lay on her side with her eyes closed and half a smile on her face as she does nearly every night before bedtime. This is one of our many rituals.  I sit on the floor with her, put her to sleep, and say repetitions of Hail Mary and Our Father for guidance and protection because the task of taking care of another life form is scary for me. And it occurred to me, “This is the happiest I have ever been.”  I had scars on my face, I couldn’t look at myself in a big mirror, I was always short on cash, everyone at work thinks I’m a weird loser, I was far away from the friends who don’t think so, but still, I felt so much gratitude for the kind of life I have been given. And I asked for one more thing, “Please don’t take away what I have. Let me keep them for as long as you can let me keep them.” Knowing that you have so much to lose makes life feel so large and wonderful and great and happy.

It’s not just the dog although I’m pretty sure she has tiny white wings beneath that chocolate fur. It’s the realization that I have it in me to wake up at 4 am to potty train a puppy, make enough money for basics like power and running water, and soldier through an office environment that reminds me of my social awkwardness and “otherness.”

And yet sometimes I forget. That’s humanity’s greatest folly: to sit in the midst of gold and still chase after what’s not there. Tsk. I would not be doing the Little Prince proud.  Just in case I forget again, here are the roses of my life:

Thank you for my mother who knows what I need before I even realize it.  What am I going to do without you?

Thank you for my funny baby dog who is currently humping every male dog in the street.  Babe, I don’t know how to tell you that that’s not how it works but I love the disregard for gender roles.  I raised you well.

Thank you for great friends who never stop listening. They say the world is an ugly but you make me feel otherwise. And I don’t want to be the only fabulous person around.

Thank you for fast fingers and good sentences.  You put food on the table and create a space for my head.

Thank you for the scars that help me mentally tag the bad, the good and the one-of-a-kind. You help me see more clearly, and spend my love more wisely.

And finally thank you for everyone else who can’t help but dislike me. I have considered changing for you, but at the end of the day, no. That energy is best invested in loving baby dogs who smile in their sleep.

2015

In 2014, I’ve uncovered a deeper truth about how the universe works. It’s as if I’ve unlocked the secret formula for all types of natural phenomena, and I can now use this information to manage my life more effeciently. Greater value, less stress. How promising, huh?

This uncovering happened a few days ago when I stumbled upon a documentary promoting “the Secret,” which basically says that if we think about something, it will happen to us because we will attract it through some metaphysical giving off of mental energy. It’s just so bogus.  First of all, it violates the actual laws of attraction, which clearly states that positive attracts negative. Second of all, Jason Statham isn’t mine to have and hold. Transporter, the Ocean’s Eleven cast, and a long list of boyfriends. Some dreams just don’t come true. Really.

We put such a premium on living a charmed life that we tend to beat ourselves up for things not going according to plan. Our plan.  And we invent all these strategies—visualization, charms, mantra – to get exactly what we want only to be disappointed because we failed or because we succeeded but having arrived doesn’t feel the way we thought it would.  It’s not only exhausting it seems to run contrary to how things fall into place.

The truth is we don’t have as much control over our lives as we would like to believe. This is of course not to say that it's okay to slack off. Best effort should be as standard as pooping. However messy (even painful) it gets, it's simply good for you. Force it. We work with the universe as best as we can.  We make the most of what it makes available, and we say thanks. Sometimes that’s the best that we can do.

Because the laws of natural science and economics have been clear about one thing: if it is physically possible, things move from places of abundance to places of absence. Matter will settle in gaps and cracks. Salt will get away from saturation. Invention and innovation arise from need.  Things somehow find themselves where they are needed with no consideration whatsoever for the stomping of human feet.

Because I work in this industry, I’d like to sneak this in. The Philippines has put in place a spot market for electricity trading, and people are complaining constantly that electricity is more expensive in certain nodes.  That’s supposedly the free market’s fault. Actually, the electricity spot market is by design prescriptive. It shows us all where the gaps are and it drives investment in that direction.  When we know where supply is deficient (the rates are higher), it is easier to spread the money invested in power facilities more evenly. Let’s endure the spikes for a little while; it won’t stay that way for long. This system is better than subsidy. 

What can alms really do for us anyway?  I have really decided not to ask for anything. Not in the larger scheme of things, not during the daily rat race where my hopes and dreams begin. If my job gets taken away from me, I’ll just find something else to do. There are too many talents fighting over limited opportunities just to win for winning's sake. The fight  for the top spot itself renders so many efforts pointless. There is always an unglamorous seemingly minor task out there waiting to be done.  Somebody has got to do that.

Let’s not race to love either. It just isn’t something we win.  Its easier to find something that fits right once we better understand the gaps in ourselves. (Not that kind of gap.  Don’t be gross.) Healthy relationships start from understanding where we are...errr...slightly deficient.

And maybe this is the year I get to find opportunities in neglected markets.  Who knows?  I have a strong feeling that there's money scattered over roads less travelled and largely ignored.

It seems everything is pushed and pulled not by wants but by needs.  At the close of 2014, it made the most sense to just withdraw from the rat race and find places where people need something that I can adequately provide. 

So I dont want anything specific at the start of this brand new year. Just tell me this 2015, “What can I do for you?”